Really

Posted in people, Reality, Uncategorized on July 20, 2017 by La Femme

This thing on?  Even when I pose a question I all I get is crickets. My ex used to laugh, because I knew how many reads I had, and maybe I should just never look at the stats. But it’s nice to know that people are actually out there… somewhere. You can comment though, I don’t bite… usually.

 

I have started rehearsals for our third run of Rocky Horror and I am trying to finish up my Summer II classes. I shouldn’t have taken both of these classes. My special topics class isn’t bad, but this Design Management class is probably going to kill me. I AM NOT BUSINESS MINDED…. LIKE AT ALL. And my professor was supposed to email and help me 3 days ago and I still haven’t heard anything. 😦

Also, this song is all the things I would like to say

“But I know that it’s my emotions going in for the kill.”

Posted in amends, Reality, relationships, Uncategorized on July 18, 2017 by La Femme

I have been a little gun-shy about writing here. The truth is… I hurt someone who I love dearly with this little, inconsequential blog. So now I’m scared. Scared to write. Scared to express all the stuff I keep stuffed inside. Because I don’t want to hurt people with my words.

Listening to Halsey’s Now or Never today I got to thinking of the one and only time I have made that statement (at least in the context in which she means).  It was in college, but not with someone from college. The answer, it turns out, was never. But that song got me thinking… is that really ever a question/statement that needs to be posed?

 

Beware the intense need… and the mixed metaphors

Posted in attraction, relationships, self discovery, truth on June 27, 2017 by La Femme

Once upon a time, over a decade ago, I compared someone’s kissed to that of a person dying of thirst.  It was the only thing I could think of… or that it was like someone who had been lost at sea.

The deep powerful need of it scared me a little, to be perfectly honest. Being kissed like that… was powerful. The situation was complicated to say the least and the need was not really for me, but for connection. For genuine connection and affection.

At the time I thought it was crazy but after being set adrift in my own sea, I can understand it a little. The power of a need to both set you on fire and drown you.

Need is a dangerous thing. We like to act like need, want, and desire are clear entities but can you cleanly see where they end and begin at all times? If you can, you are doing better that I am.

Want

 

Need

 

Desire

 

Want to turn right

NEED to turn left

Desire sucks

34 is sneaking up, I’ve learned Love is a lie

Posted in Children, Dating, Divorce, infidelity, Lies, Love, Marriage, rationality, relationships, self-esteem, truth on June 16, 2017 by La Femme

NOTE: To all my still married friends, the is not an indictment of your relationship. It is simply saying that I don’t believe it is lasting because it was “pre-ordained,” but because you work you asses off for it

“Because all healing has to start with you.”

I am tired of buying the lie that Disney sold me as a child so that I would demand all the princess merchandise. There is no Prince Charming. There is no “One Person” that is meant for me.

There is no such thing as Happily Ever After

All you can do is love those you love with all of yourself, but don’t ever expect them to love you the same way, because that is not how it works

The older I get (sooner rather than later 😦 ) the more I realize that marriage isn’t about love. It’s not about romance. It’s about finding someone to navigate with and the propagate the species with. That’s why it was invented. That’s it.

My ex told me the other day that it’s my fault that we’re divorced. And while there were things that he did that I felt forced my hand, he is correct. I could have, maybe even should have, decided to stick it out. For the girls and for stability. Because the farther out from it I am, the more I realize that he was right… I will never find anyone else willing to put up with me that I’m willing to put up with.

No one is perfect.

There will always be flaws

There will always be fear.

They will:

  • not care
  • have anger issues
  • lie
  • cheat
  • be unhealthy for you

 

That’s life. That is reality.

Love is a chemical reaction in the brain, the most that we can hope for is that just like any drug, with time the effects will wear off.

The Unstoppable Force

Posted in Dating, decisions, Love, relationships, truth on May 23, 2017 by La Femme

are you the now or never kind”   – Eve 6 “Here’s to the Night” 

 

Earlier today I was thinking how it would be nice if I was a chemist so I could invent a pill to stop a chemical reaction… much like an epi pen. Except instead of stopping an allergic reaction, it would stop the chemical reaction that begins “love.” I mean think about all the human pain and suffering that that would prevent… If, at the point when you feel yourself starting to fall for someone who will never be able to love you, you could simply inject yourself and stop it.

 

Of course the other side of me steps in at this point and is like, “really?!”

 

And it occurred to me

I want someone that when they take my hand an tell me to jump, I don’t hesitate

I want someone that when they kiss me I hear all of the old 90’s songs

If it doesn’t exist, then it doesn’t. If it doesn’t exist for me, then so be it.

But if it does…. if I ever find it…. god help the world

If I ever find that person, my love will be the unstoppable force.

 

The Magic is Gone (Language warning)

Posted in Dating, decisions, letting go, Lies, people, relationships, self discovery, truth on May 1, 2017 by La Femme

WARNING – IF YOU RESPOND TO THIS WITH “LOVE YOURSELF” OR “FOCUS ON YOUR GIRLS” I WILL FUCKING THROAT PUNCH YOU…. BECAUSE THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT

One day, you will wake up and realize that there is no such thing. There is no magic. There is no “Love.” There is no forever. The best you can hope for is someone that you can cohabitate with without killing them. There is no person like that for me. Hell I can barely live with myself.

Over the past month I have spent too much time at the bar. And it’s great. And hooking up with that cute guy you’ve had your eye on for a few years is excellent… until you realize that it and you mean nothing. Not because of him, but because of you. Because what at first was a confidence boost you now realize that had nothing to due with you. But was a by product of entirely too much alcohol.

There are 2 groups of guys out there. The ones who have friend zoned you, and the ones that want to have sex with you. Out of the 2, keep the friends because you can always fuck yourself.

And I do. It is always 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. I don’t know why.

The sooner I wake up and realize that there is no one to love me. There is no magic. Stars are burning balls of gas that died long ago.  The heart is just a muscle.

Get hard. Get real. Wake up.

 

 

Want vs. Need

Posted in Dating, Reality, relationships, self discovery, self-esteem, truth on April 18, 2017 by La Femme

I want to be wanted. I want someone who wants to be with me, near me, know me, know my crazy, know my flaws, and want me anyway.

But I can’t abide need. I have to have someone who can allow me to be me, but can coexist with the massive amount of space I take up sometimes. I want someone who can stand completely on their own, but knows that life is better shared.

What does want and need mean to you?

Do you want to be wanted? Or are you a need based person?

Maybe this is just another reason I am still single….