If all it is is 8 letters

I fell for someone a while back. Letting it go has proven to be more difficult than I would have expected.

I keep fooling myself into believe that, “he feels something for me, he just doesn’t know how to show/say it.”

Filing for divorce was easier than this. I think it’s because I knew that, by the time I had filed the papers, I had tried everything. I had forgiven more than I should have. Turned a blind eye to more than I should have.

This… this I can’t say that. I mean I have tried. I have told him how I feel. I have done little things to show him how I feel. Sometimes, just sometimes, I think I’m getting through the armor. But always, just when I think there is a space, I get a stone wall.

Why? Why can I not face the very simple and obvious fact that he does not have feelings for me past attraction (if that)? Why can I not walk away and put it up? Why do I still have dreams of a future that could never have been because it never had life breathed into in the least? I need to stop trying to breathe so much of my own life into it.

Written while listening to: https://open.spotify.com/track/4UQLQJu3DNvVkMVglwElU2?si=1j1HdaDpS-aVzW9ZdFALpQ

The problem at hand

Nature of problem – Fehu

This rune represents earned income. It represents your career as well as your wealth, status and position. Rune of success and attainment. Drawing this rune indicates that prosperity is coming towards you in some form. (often, but not always regarding money.) This rune announces the arrival of that which you have worked for. You will overcome opposition. Keep with the plan you have already underway. If negative runes surround – conserve what you have.

Likely Cause – Laguz (reversed)

Period of confusion in your life. You may be making wrong decisions and misjudgments that will poorly affect your actions. Lack of creativity and feelings of being in a rut are indicated. This is a bad sign unless surrounded by positive runes. You will be or already were misled by your intuition into something you can’t handle. Temptation to do the wrong thing or to take the easy way out is strong. Get out of any bad situation as fast as you can (unless surrounded by delay runes). Warns there is a woman who will bring trouble (including betrayal or backstabbing) into your life. You will recognize her as someone with neurotic tendencies.

Direction of energy – Eihwaz

Rune of protection. You have set your sights on a reasonable target and can achieve your goals. There may be a slight obstacle, delay or minor problems. But it won’t cause too much trouble so don’t be too eager to move ahead. The obstacle or delay may very well prove beneficial, or it won’t turn out too big. Look at the runes surrounding Eihwaz to determine if there is an obstacle and what it might involve. You should try to anticipate problems that may arise. Be flexible, work with change. Use your imagination and turn any situation to your advantage. Sometimes this rune is an indication that problems from your past that were not dealt with effectively will be returning. Though it hints at delays, Eihwaz is a positive rune.

Likely result – Hagalaz

This is the rune of unexpected disruptions. It indicates limitations and delays. Drawing this rune tells you that the forces at work in your situation are outside of your control. However, further down the line, you may see a reason for these limitations. You may be considering a risk of some sort, paired with Fehu shows eventual success but only after much effort on your part. If any of the surrounding runes are cast reversed you should avoid any risk or gamble. Sometimes it means that your future is in the hands of someone else, this is not usually someone you are familiar with. Perhaps an official of some sort. The advice of this rune is do not start anything new now.

You’re so beautiful

How do you ever trust again when every word was a lie?

When you discover that ever word uttered to you was being uttered elsewhere…

I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. She says

But at home, alone, in the shower…

She cries

She cries because she hurts

She cries because she feels like it is her fault

She is angry

At him, but mostly herself

Angry because she hoped

Angry because even now part of her wants to apologize

Angry because she held on for so ling when she knew

Somewhere she knew

He would never love her.

Never be for her what she needed.

But now she knows… it is her, not him, that is broken.

Her that needs to be made whole

4 rune of the day…. well shit

Nature of the problem – Berkana reversed

• Domestic troubles.

• Anxiety about someone close to you.

• Not really a negative rune unless the whole reading is.

Likely cause – Eihwaz

• Sights on a reasonable target and can achieve your goals.

• There may be a slight obstacle, delay or minor problems. But it won’t cause too much trouble so don’t be too eager to move ahead.

• The obstacle or delay may very well prove beneficial, or it won’t turn out too big.

• You should try to anticipate problems that may arise.

• Be flexible, work with change. Use your imagination and turn any situation to your advantage.

• Tie to the past. It can mean that you will hear from someone from your past. Sometimes this rune is an indication that problems from your past that were not dealt with effectively will be returning.

Direction energy is flowing – Fehu reversed

• Represents loss of esteem, or something that you put in effort to keep.

• It indicates some sort of failure.

• Delay or obstacle. There may be problems with your finances or your emotions now.

• Lack of fulfillment, possibly sexual frustration.

• Think carefully how your actions will affect your future.

• There may be female health problems and weight gain.

• Loss or a disappointment is shown if you continue on in the same manner.

• Put yourself on a budget and abandon any plans as they might hurt you financially or otherwise.

Likely result – Perthro

• mystery, hidden things, secrets. Something that has remained hidden is about to come to light.

• Perhaps there will be a disclosure of some secret.

• Unexpected gains and surprises.

• In emotional matters, indicates extreme sexual compatibility.

Runes of the day

My Fault

Breathe in… breathe out

Then I realize.. it was always my fault.

My fault for loving.

Loving the ones who could not love you back

Loving them in the first place.

Clear back to Ol Blue, through JonEA, to their father, to him.

People can only hurt me if I let them in, only if I love them

 

STOP LOVING THEM!

My oh me

I hate when I try to be funny… tongue-in-cheek if you will… and I epic fail.

Any post – blog, facebook, IG, etc. – are never indicative of everything I am thinking or feeling. They are simply a snapshot of a mood or thought in that moment.

Usually, especially with my blog, it is something that is on my mind that I need to put down in order to process it completely

Like earlier…

I didn’t literally mean that I wanted someone to spend the night with me.

I didn’t literally mean that I didn’t understand parts of why I am not in a relationship.

I am not stupid, I do know that there may be people interested that I am oblivious to.

I also know that there are people that are interested that I am trepidatious of getting into anything with for a variety of reasons.

There is also my whole second post if you missed it… LOL

It meant that I have friends that I am happy for, but I don’t know how they managed to find their perfect match…

was it at the library? the coffee shop? the mall? a concert? the bar?

How did you know? Was it instant, like the big bang? Or more like evolution?

 

 

A Valid Question

A friend posed a valid response to my last post…. that in order to find a relationship I have to be open  to one.

I understand this point of view.

The problem is that I have kept a secret fire burning for someone for the better part of 2 years. But recently I have had to wonder if it is to protect myself. If I have allowed myself to want this one particular person because I know that they will never want me back. That maybe I have nurtured those feelings because I know the hurt will be manageable.

Not to say that there are not genuine feelings, but that I have been reluctant to walk away from them.

That I have tethered myself to someone that will never hurt me because they will never love me.

I have told myself that the reason that I haven’t given up is because I know that he does care… somewhere in there… that one day he will wake up and be like “what have I been doing?” But maybe it’s me that will wake up and be like “WTF?!”

Have I been missing an entire world by giving my heart to someone who doesn’t even know they have it?

 

Marriage – A little humor, a little truth

So over the past few weekends several people I know have gotten married, and I am truly so happy for all of them and hope that they find bliss

BUT there is a part of me that is like “WTF?!” Some of these people have been divorced not much longer than I have… How have they already found someone that wants to spend their life with them?! I haven’t even found someone that wants to spend the night with me!

Then I look around and see some single moms that have never found anyone…. years and years after their divorces and I am starting to think that I am more likely to end up the crazy cat lady than the happily ever afters.

Some would say it’s because I want it too much, which I don’t think is true, but that’s because only I know how I feel on the inside.

Some would say that it is because I am hard to love. This is probably closer to the truth. I am dramatic, dynamic, loud, quiet, emotional, cold, active, a home body, a free spirit, very traditional….. and sometimes I am all of these (and so many more) all at once.

I feel things deeply. I fall without thinking of the consequences. I trust. There are times I cry and don’t know why. I want held. I want left alone. I want to play video games. I want to go on a 4 hour geocaching adventure, with the dogs, even though I know it’s a bad idea.

So to all my recently married/remarried friends I truly wish you the best… but what is your secret?

Like Leeloo

I feel like Leeloo.

Not that I’m a hot as hell, supreme being, bad ass. Although I would say that I am fierce, strong, not always great at English… LOL

I would die to protect life.

I would die to protect love.

But how do we protect something that we do not know.

I am strong. I am fierce. But without love, I will falter. I am not strong enough on my own to survive the ultimate battle.

Leeloo says: ” I don’t know love. I was built to protect not to love, so there is no use for me other than this.”

In this life is there truly no other use for me than to protect my children? Maybe.

Maybe.

“I don’t know if I’ve ever been really loved by a hand that’s touched me.”  https://open.spotify.com/track/2KVwlelhxKUy8LVV6JypH3