Don’t be a snowflake.

Posted in friends, letting go, people, RAGE on April 12, 2017 by La Femme

Let me just say….this is NOT political. But this IS personal.

This blog, is for me. I could give 2 flying…..  what your opinion of it or me is.

If you don’t like it, don’t read it. But there is a reason I don’t put names in my posts. You don’t know shit is about you unless:

  1. You know that it’s you because you did it
  2. You asked me and I told you.

I suggest you unfollow me, because I am finally starting to see why you always say you don’t have many friends.

I have enemies that treat me with more respect.

Take your finger off the Self Destruct Button!

Posted in Body issues, Dating, decisions, Depression, letting go, relationships, self discovery, self-esteem, truth on April 12, 2017 by La Femme

Ok. You’re marriage failed because your ex couldn’t keep it in his pants. You survived.

You now are a single mom to two beautiful insanity makers and work in a job that doesn’t cover your bills. You’re surviving.

DO NOT LET ONE UNINTERESTED DOUCHE BAG MAKE YOU REACH FOR THE SELF DESTRUCT.

Ok. Maybe “douche bag” is a little strong. He didn’t ask you to like him. That was all you. He was nice to you. He was there to talk to in some of your darkest moments. Yes, you’re the same age. Yes, you have a ton in common. But let’s be real. There was never really any interest.

And now you find out from a good friend, “girl don’t even worry about him, he’s always out with college girls.” So apparently I’m not even in his age range.

But just because you don’t think that you’re going to be loved, doesn’t mean you should sell yourself short. It doesn’t mean that you settle for unbridled lust. It doesn’t mean that you get to let yourself act like those 22-year-olds.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret the decisions that I’ve made, I am just worried about letting myself fall into a physically and emotionally destructive pattern of behavior. The problem being, there is no one there who really cares to catch me before I land in a broken pile at the bottom. So… this is my message to myself

Catch yourself.

Take your finger off of the self destruct button.

Let loving yourself be enough.

Remember that your worth is not based on whether anyone else loves you.

Remember that regardless of how you feel, you have two people that need you to be safe and in one piece.

 

Electro Shock Therapy

Posted in Dating, letting go, Reality, relationships, self discovery, self-esteem, truth on March 31, 2017 by La Femme

“The club isn’t the best to find a lover, so the bar is where I go.”

I have got to stop letting one oblivious person having so much influence on my happiness.

Don’t cry over spilled milk, you can’t put it back in the glass. And you can’t make someone have feelings for you that aren’t there.

So I think I’m going to enlist my own Big Bang squad to help me come up with a new invention.

I want to create a small electrode that sends a shock when you think about something specific. I think this would have a great many applications, but for me…..

I want one that every time I think about someone in a non-platonic way, it shocks me. I figure I’ll either end up in the hospital from being electrocuted every 30 seconds or I will eventually give up on the whole stupid idea.

There are nice guys out there. Guys who might actually be interested  (though let’s be honest, probably not), but me in my infinite wisdom won’t let go of the one person who is not interested in the least.

Either he doesn’t care or he literally is the most oblivious man I have ever met in my life.

He is a good friend.

Let it be.

Let it go.

I am

Posted in people, self discovery, self-esteem, truth on March 30, 2017 by La Femme

I

  • am intelligent
  • am talented
  • love easily, deeply, and freely
  • am honest
  • have a sharp wit
  • am well read
  • am cultured
  • love music
  • write
  • am trying
  • have lost weight
  • love flowers
  • am affectionate
  • am a good mom
  • work hard
  • play hard
  • love travel
  • am free spirited
  • am pretty
  • am stubborn
  • don’t laugh much
  • am excruciatingly hard on myself
  • am graceful
  • am clumsy
  • perfectly contradictory
  • deserve love
  • deserve respect
  • deserve someone who knows what they have
  • do not need a relationship
  • want a companion
  • like kissing
  • like holding hands
  • don’t like to let go of something special
  • need to learn to let it go
  • am a mistress of the stage

 

I am everything above and so much more.

I do not want to change me for you to love me.

I will not be other than myself

If you do not like it, you can show yourself out.

All I really want

Posted in Dating, relationships, truth on March 27, 2017 by La Femme

 

All I really is someone who thinks about me when they wake up and before they go to sleep.

Someone who texts just to make me smile.

Someone who will show up at my incredibly long rehearsals with a Hershey’s and a bottle of Coke (except not because I’m not doing any carbs 😦   )

Someone who will hold my hand during the scary or sad parts of movies.

Someone that I can just be around without having to talk or worry about how I look or what I should say.

Someone who listens.

Someone who hugs

But I really miss kissing.

Walk Away

Posted in friends, Humanity, letting go, relationships on March 27, 2017 by La Femme

Could you walk away.

Could you walk away from someone you feel like you a heartbeat away from falling for?

No

I can’t. Even knowing that it will never happen, never be. I can’t. The thought of walking away completely makes me not be able to breathe.

I used to think he knew. I don’t think that anymore.

I really think that he is completely clueless about how I feel.

That is probably for the best.

I would gather the pictures and burn them to purge my soul of this need, but there is nothing to burn. He is a ghost in my life.

 

All I want is someone who gets me, all sides of me, and still wants to be near me. Someone who isn’t afraid of me, or themselves. Someone who wants me, but also has their own shit to handle.

I am perfectly imperfect. I do not NEED someone. But life is better when shared.

 

 

I don’t understand

Posted in drama, Family, Uncategorized on March 15, 2017 by La Femme

Why? Why are you full of so much pettiness and hatefulness? I don’t understand. I always assumed better of you, assumed that you were the people I saw in my mind. But as I sit there are watch you bicker and bitch about  it has pushed me over the edge.

One of you says, “But I didn’t go to any of the others.”

To which I say, “It’s hard to go where you’re not invited.”

I’m told that, “that isn’t the point.” Well then what in the ever living fuck is?

The argument that happened recently was between me and her, if we can get over it, so can you.

You pray for peace, but when an olive branch is extended you won’t take it.

I give up on you all.

If I can go, after my marriage disintegrated…. I never got the big wedding, I never will…. if I can go, STAG I WILL REMIND YOU, then you can get your heads out of your asses.

None of us are perfect, and I am sick of the stones, because I know that when I am not there (and often when I am there) there are plenty tossed at me. You bitch because I am fat, and then when I’m on a diet and losing weight you refuse to take that into account when fixing meals. You bitch because I’m broke, but when I try to get a second job you absolutely refuse.

Some days I wish I had stayed, or at least went back, to NC. It may have been a lonely life, but at least it would have been mine.