Archive for the relationships Category

Beware the intense need… and the mixed metaphors

Posted in attraction, relationships, self discovery, truth on June 27, 2017 by La Femme

Once upon a time, over a decade ago, I compared someone’s kissed to that of a person dying of thirst.  It was the only thing I could think of… or that it was like someone who had been lost at sea.

The deep powerful need of it scared me a little, to be perfectly honest. Being kissed like that… was powerful. The situation was complicated to say the least and the need was not really for me, but for connection. For genuine connection and affection.

At the time I thought it was crazy but after being set adrift in my own sea, I can understand it a little. The power of a need to both set you on fire and drown you.

Need is a dangerous thing. We like to act like need, want, and desire are clear entities but can you cleanly see where they end and begin at all times? If you can, you are doing better that I am.

Want

 

Need

 

Desire

 

Want to turn right

NEED to turn left

Desire sucks

34 is sneaking up, I’ve learned Love is a lie

Posted in Children, Dating, Divorce, infidelity, Lies, Love, Marriage, rationality, relationships, self-esteem, truth on June 16, 2017 by La Femme

NOTE: To all my still married friends, the is not an indictment of your relationship. It is simply saying that I don’t believe it is lasting because it was “pre-ordained,” but because you work you asses off for it

“Because all healing has to start with you.”

I am tired of buying the lie that Disney sold me as a child so that I would demand all the princess merchandise. There is no Prince Charming. There is no “One Person” that is meant for me.

There is no such thing as Happily Ever After

All you can do is love those you love with all of yourself, but don’t ever expect them to love you the same way, because that is not how it works

The older I get (sooner rather than later 😦 ) the more I realize that marriage isn’t about love. It’s not about romance. It’s about finding someone to navigate with and the propagate the species with. That’s why it was invented. That’s it.

My ex told me the other day that it’s my fault that we’re divorced. And while there were things that he did that I felt forced my hand, he is correct. I could have, maybe even should have, decided to stick it out. For the girls and for stability. Because the farther out from it I am, the more I realize that he was right… I will never find anyone else willing to put up with me that I’m willing to put up with.

No one is perfect.

There will always be flaws

There will always be fear.

They will:

  • not care
  • have anger issues
  • lie
  • cheat
  • be unhealthy for you

 

That’s life. That is reality.

Love is a chemical reaction in the brain, the most that we can hope for is that just like any drug, with time the effects will wear off.

The Unstoppable Force

Posted in Dating, decisions, Love, relationships, truth on May 23, 2017 by La Femme

are you the now or never kind”   – Eve 6 “Here’s to the Night” 

 

Earlier today I was thinking how it would be nice if I was a chemist so I could invent a pill to stop a chemical reaction… much like an epi pen. Except instead of stopping an allergic reaction, it would stop the chemical reaction that begins “love.” I mean think about all the human pain and suffering that that would prevent… If, at the point when you feel yourself starting to fall for someone who will never be able to love you, you could simply inject yourself and stop it.

 

Of course the other side of me steps in at this point and is like, “really?!”

 

And it occurred to me

I want someone that when they take my hand an tell me to jump, I don’t hesitate

I want someone that when they kiss me I hear all of the old 90’s songs

If it doesn’t exist, then it doesn’t. If it doesn’t exist for me, then so be it.

But if it does…. if I ever find it…. god help the world

If I ever find that person, my love will be the unstoppable force.

 

The Magic is Gone (Language warning)

Posted in Dating, decisions, letting go, Lies, people, relationships, self discovery, truth on May 1, 2017 by La Femme

WARNING – IF YOU RESPOND TO THIS WITH “LOVE YOURSELF” OR “FOCUS ON YOUR GIRLS” I WILL FUCKING THROAT PUNCH YOU…. BECAUSE THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT

One day, you will wake up and realize that there is no such thing. There is no magic. There is no “Love.” There is no forever. The best you can hope for is someone that you can cohabitate with without killing them. There is no person like that for me. Hell I can barely live with myself.

Over the past month I have spent too much time at the bar. And it’s great. And hooking up with that cute guy you’ve had your eye on for a few years is excellent… until you realize that it and you mean nothing. Not because of him, but because of you. Because what at first was a confidence boost you now realize that had nothing to due with you. But was a by product of entirely too much alcohol.

There are 2 groups of guys out there. The ones who have friend zoned you, and the ones that want to have sex with you. Out of the 2, keep the friends because you can always fuck yourself.

And I do. It is always 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. I don’t know why.

The sooner I wake up and realize that there is no one to love me. There is no magic. Stars are burning balls of gas that died long ago.  The heart is just a muscle.

Get hard. Get real. Wake up.

 

 

Want vs. Need

Posted in Dating, Reality, relationships, self discovery, self-esteem, truth on April 18, 2017 by La Femme

I want to be wanted. I want someone who wants to be with me, near me, know me, know my crazy, know my flaws, and want me anyway.

But I can’t abide need. I have to have someone who can allow me to be me, but can coexist with the massive amount of space I take up sometimes. I want someone who can stand completely on their own, but knows that life is better shared.

What does want and need mean to you?

Do you want to be wanted? Or are you a need based person?

Maybe this is just another reason I am still single….

Discomfort – WARNING – TRIGGERING SUBJECT MATTER

Posted in amends, Body issues, Depression, letting go, people, relationships, truth on April 18, 2017 by La Femme

Sometimes I write about things that make people very uncomfortable. Recently I wrote a poem and I’m pretty sure it freaked some people out…. including the person that it was written about. I allow myself to retain toxic connections because I am afraid that if I don’t have those, I will not have any connections at all.

Is it better to have someone who loves you dangerously, or no one at all?

 

 

The Dream

 

I had that dream again last night,

the one that you really want to cast off as a nightmare.

But you can’t, because even waking you can remember that night.

Glaring detail make you have to remind yourself to breathe.

That night right before you left for college,

back in mid 2000.

You and your long time boyfriend headed back from the movies.

You stop at the lake to talk because summer is coming to an end.

He knows you’re leaving.

This time talking isn’t enough.

This time he’s going to get what he wants.

Closing in on two decades later and you can still feel the terror,

why?

People say you should let it go, forget it, bury it.

That moment has defined so much of me.

The truth is I laid down in the road after,

praying for a coal or log truck.

The truth is, I ended up comforting him.

The truth is, I have never been the same.

We accept the love we think we deserve

Posted in decisions, letting go, people, relationships, self discovery, self-esteem, truth on April 13, 2017 by La Femme

I am starting to feel this truth in a very deep way. I feel like I let myself get hung up on unachievable because I felt like I didn’t deserve real. But when you close a door, sometimes you realize that the darkness was coming from the other side.

There are real people around you. People who genuinely like you, who care. But ypu have been blinded by your stubbornness.

I wish I could say that I would never again fall into the trap, but I  won’t say that.

I can say that for the first time in ages, I looked around and let myself truly see the people who are near me.

Some need to go. Some need to stay. And some I would like to know better.

For now, there is music