Archive for the Reality Category

Really

Posted in people, Reality, Uncategorized on July 20, 2017 by La Femme

This thing on?  Even when I pose a question I all I get is crickets. My ex used to laugh, because I knew how many reads I had, and maybe I should just never look at the stats. But it’s nice to know that people are actually out there… somewhere. You can comment though, I don’t bite… usually.

 

I have started rehearsals for our third run of Rocky Horror and I am trying to finish up my Summer II classes. I shouldn’t have taken both of these classes. My special topics class isn’t bad, but this Design Management class is probably going to kill me. I AM NOT BUSINESS MINDED…. LIKE AT ALL. And my professor was supposed to email and help me 3 days ago and I still haven’t heard anything. 😦

Also, this song is all the things I would like to say

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“But I know that it’s my emotions going in for the kill.”

Posted in amends, Reality, relationships, Uncategorized on July 18, 2017 by La Femme

I have been a little gun-shy about writing here. The truth is… I hurt someone who I love dearly with this little, inconsequential blog. So now I’m scared. Scared to write. Scared to express all the stuff I keep stuffed inside. Because I don’t want to hurt people with my words.

Listening to Halsey’s Now or Never today I got to thinking of the one and only time I have made that statement (at least in the context in which she means).  It was in college, but not with someone from college. The answer, it turns out, was never. But that song got me thinking… is that really ever a question/statement that needs to be posed?

 

Want vs. Need

Posted in Dating, Reality, relationships, self discovery, self-esteem, truth on April 18, 2017 by La Femme

I want to be wanted. I want someone who wants to be with me, near me, know me, know my crazy, know my flaws, and want me anyway.

But I can’t abide need. I have to have someone who can allow me to be me, but can coexist with the massive amount of space I take up sometimes. I want someone who can stand completely on their own, but knows that life is better shared.

What does want and need mean to you?

Do you want to be wanted? Or are you a need based person?

Maybe this is just another reason I am still single….

Electro Shock Therapy

Posted in Dating, letting go, Reality, relationships, self discovery, self-esteem, truth on March 31, 2017 by La Femme

“The club isn’t the best to find a lover, so the bar is where I go.”

I have got to stop letting one oblivious person having so much influence on my happiness.

Don’t cry over spilled milk, you can’t put it back in the glass. And you can’t make someone have feelings for you that aren’t there.

So I think I’m going to enlist my own Big Bang squad to help me come up with a new invention.

I want to create a small electrode that sends a shock when you think about something specific. I think this would have a great many applications, but for me…..

I want one that every time I think about someone in a non-platonic way, it shocks me. I figure I’ll either end up in the hospital from being electrocuted every 30 seconds or I will eventually give up on the whole stupid idea.

There are nice guys out there. Guys who might actually be interested  (though let’s be honest, probably not), but me in my infinite wisdom won’t let go of the one person who is not interested in the least.

Either he doesn’t care or he literally is the most oblivious man I have ever met in my life.

He is a good friend.

Let it be.

Let it go.

Just joshing

Posted in Dating, decisions, friends, rationality, Reality, relationships, resolutions, self discovery, self-esteem, Single Mom, truth on February 17, 2017 by La Femme

So last night I had a good conversation with an old friend and I finally was able to put into words a little of what I want…. and as I told my friend:

It took me a hell of long time to figure it out, I am unlikely to comprise now.

So basically what I said was:

Not perfect, because it doesn’t exist. But someone who gets me, who wants me to be me. Someone who will make me laugh til I cry and someone with whom I can cry until I laugh. Someone who thinks I am sexy even when I am a hot mess. Someone who can love my vanilla life, and still respect that there is part of me that wants more at times. Someone who doesn’t lie, doesn’t cheat, knows that gifts aren’t love but will still send me flowers on fucking valentine’s day.
But also I want someone that I am both friends with and that I am passionately attracted to.
I realized during this conversation that I have walked away from people that I love because I know that they do not want the same things.
I guess I have always wanted the devoted husband, the family, etc.  
What I have ended up with is a house that is falling apart but has great potential
A body that is not what it used to be but that is amazing to me because it created 2 stubborn, beautiful girls.
The sad truth is, I will probably never find what I’m looking for because now it’s not just me. It is me plus my 2 girls and that is a lot of burden to take on. But it’s ok. I have learned to be ok by myself.

Self-Defense

Posted in Reality, relationships, Uncategorized on February 8, 2017 by La Femme

So I have discovered that I have developed a new self-defense mechanism.

I am super excited.

Or, I would be…. if it didn’t pretty much guarantee me being alone… like forever.

Apparently, I am now only able to be attracted/fall for guys who have no earthly idea I exist on the same planet as the OR they have no romantic interest in me at all.

So good news, I am unlikely to get involved with someone who just wants sex or is a complete Ass

Bad news, I’m unlikely to get involved…. or maybe that’s good new too.

Well that was different…

Posted in Reality, self discovery, truth on September 15, 2016 by La Femme

It’s funny…. I thought it would be harder… that Facebook would “remind” me of all the “memories,” that it would be weird not getting flowers at work….

Then I realized that for the last SEVERAL years, it has just been a day. Just because it’s official this year, doesn’t mean it’s different.

2 years ago today, he was just starting his relationship with C.

But sitting here today, I realize that I had been a last minute, afterthought gift and a quick card for years.