Archive for the Reality Category

Want vs. Need

Posted in Dating, Reality, relationships, self discovery, self-esteem, truth on April 18, 2017 by La Femme

I want to be wanted. I want someone who wants to be with me, near me, know me, know my crazy, know my flaws, and want me anyway.

But I can’t abide need. I have to have someone who can allow me to be me, but can coexist with the massive amount of space I take up sometimes. I want someone who can stand completely on their own, but knows that life is better shared.

What does want and need mean to you?

Do you want to be wanted? Or are you a need based person?

Maybe this is just another reason I am still single….

Electro Shock Therapy

Posted in Dating, letting go, Reality, relationships, self discovery, self-esteem, truth on March 31, 2017 by La Femme

“The club isn’t the best to find a lover, so the bar is where I go.”

I have got to stop letting one oblivious person having so much influence on my happiness.

Don’t cry over spilled milk, you can’t put it back in the glass. And you can’t make someone have feelings for you that aren’t there.

So I think I’m going to enlist my own Big Bang squad to help me come up with a new invention.

I want to create a small electrode that sends a shock when you think about something specific. I think this would have a great many applications, but for me…..

I want one that every time I think about someone in a non-platonic way, it shocks me. I figure I’ll either end up in the hospital from being electrocuted every 30 seconds or I will eventually give up on the whole stupid idea.

There are nice guys out there. Guys who might actually be interested  (though let’s be honest, probably not), but me in my infinite wisdom won’t let go of the one person who is not interested in the least.

Either he doesn’t care or he literally is the most oblivious man I have ever met in my life.

He is a good friend.

Let it be.

Let it go.

Just joshing

Posted in Dating, decisions, friends, rationality, Reality, relationships, resolutions, self discovery, self-esteem, Single Mom, truth on February 17, 2017 by La Femme

So last night I had a good conversation with an old friend and I finally was able to put into words a little of what I want…. and as I told my friend:

It took me a hell of long time to figure it out, I am unlikely to comprise now.

So basically what I said was:

Not perfect, because it doesn’t exist. But someone who gets me, who wants me to be me. Someone who will make me laugh til I cry and someone with whom I can cry until I laugh. Someone who thinks I am sexy even when I am a hot mess. Someone who can love my vanilla life, and still respect that there is part of me that wants more at times. Someone who doesn’t lie, doesn’t cheat, knows that gifts aren’t love but will still send me flowers on fucking valentine’s day.
But also I want someone that I am both friends with and that I am passionately attracted to.
I realized during this conversation that I have walked away from people that I love because I know that they do not want the same things.
I guess I have always wanted the devoted husband, the family, etc.  
What I have ended up with is a house that is falling apart but has great potential
A body that is not what it used to be but that is amazing to me because it created 2 stubborn, beautiful girls.
The sad truth is, I will probably never find what I’m looking for because now it’s not just me. It is me plus my 2 girls and that is a lot of burden to take on. But it’s ok. I have learned to be ok by myself.

Self-Defense

Posted in Reality, relationships, Uncategorized on February 8, 2017 by La Femme

So I have discovered that I have developed a new self-defense mechanism.

I am super excited.

Or, I would be…. if it didn’t pretty much guarantee me being alone… like forever.

Apparently, I am now only able to be attracted/fall for guys who have no earthly idea I exist on the same planet as the OR they have no romantic interest in me at all.

So good news, I am unlikely to get involved with someone who just wants sex or is a complete Ass

Bad news, I’m unlikely to get involved…. or maybe that’s good new too.

Well that was different…

Posted in Reality, self discovery, truth on September 15, 2016 by La Femme

It’s funny…. I thought it would be harder… that Facebook would “remind” me of all the “memories,” that it would be weird not getting flowers at work….

Then I realized that for the last SEVERAL years, it has just been a day. Just because it’s official this year, doesn’t mean it’s different.

2 years ago today, he was just starting his relationship with C.

But sitting here today, I realize that I had been a last minute, afterthought gift and a quick card for years.

 

To find peace in the Struggle

Posted in Dating, decisions, Divorce, letting go, rationality, Reality, relationships, self-esteem, Single Mom on July 7, 2016 by La Femme

I found today that I don’t believe in second chances at love.

I think for people with children, women especially, it is unlikely. No offense meant to the single dads out there, but more often the mother ends up with the majority of custody. I wouldn’t trade that for anything, but I also acknowledge that it takes my chances of finding a relationship down to approximately 0. Why? Because I am going to be so much more cautious about people who will have the power to influence my children.

If you lie….at all…. forget it

If you’re ashamed to admit you’re spending time with me…. nope

If you can’t even pay your own bills….. hell no

You’re close-mind and preach hatred…see ya

You often and repeatedly say you wouldn’t be a good parent…. sorry

You’re pushy, needy, demanding, or temperamental….. No

You want in my pants right away…. ain’t nobody got time for that

The truth is, I am picky. It isn’t me, it’s you. I will not be made to feel guilty because I have “unreasonably” high standards. Just because I’m single and talk about wishing there was a good guy out there doesn’t mean that that is you.

 

I have to find peace in the struggle of being me. To find peace in what happened.

To find peace in the loss of my marriage and all that that means

 

I used to push people away when things got too “real” because I was afraid of getting stuck here in this place. Now I’m stuck here, and a single mom to 2 miracles. Maybe we get what we deserve, in that case… my girls deserve the best possible situation that I can give them.

 

Now I just have to figure out what that means

 

I won’t fear Love

Dear Ex-Husband

Posted in decisions, Divorce, infidelity, letting go, Lies, Reality, relationships, self discovery, self-esteem, truth, Uncategorized on June 17, 2016 by La Femme

You mentioned the other day that I had seemed more hateful than usual. You’re right, I have been. It has been just over a year since I found out that what I though was a fling was a serious on going relationship. Just over a year since I found the pictures of her in our bed, and the pictures and emails that you had sent to the other women. All the hateful words you said about me. And it has taken me this long to realize that you are good.

You are good with people…. not good TO them, but you know how to read them and twist them.

I am an easy mark, because you know that I want to believe that you can change. Because you know me so well, you don’t even have to think to hit my soft targets are.

You are not physically abusive, despite all the emails about spanking your girlfriend, but you are manipulative. It has taken me a year to realize that you made me feel like this was my fault

You would never let me say a bad word about her, but guess what… until she shows remorse, she is just another slut in my book

You always deflected and said that it was because I made you feel unwanted, unimportant, like you weren’t my priority, etc. But guess what… WE HAVE TWO GIRLS UNDER THE AGE OF 8 WHO NEED PARENTS, I DID NOT NEED YOU TO ACT LIKE A CHILD THAT NEEDS CODDLED.

WANTING YOU TO NOT LET THE OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE LOOK LIKE A DUMP, IS NOT BEING DEMANDING, IT’S BEING FUCKING RESPONSIBLE.

WANTING THINGS DONE PROPERLY SO I DON’T HAVE TO GO BEHIND YOU AND DO IT AGAIN ISN’T BEING A BITCH, IT IS BEING EFFICIENT.

You say that all of my “issues” caused you to do this, but the first woman you started emailing was over a year before that, and what about the first time you cheated and lied?

What about when you met me?

The truth is, I didn’t “cause” this. Yes, I am imperfect. I am sometimes:

  • demanding
  • bossy
  • bitchy
  • emotional
  • tired
  • impatient
  • messy

But I am human. I am still deserving of love. And even when you were all of those things and more, I didn’t jump into bed with the guy at work you were always so jealous of. I didn’t lie and sneak off on overnight trips with some guy leaving you at home alone.

You don’t lie because of me. You lie because of you. You enjoy the thrill of making someone believe you. You are a sadist, but not in the sexual way… you enjoy the emotional pain. You enjoy twisting someone.

Yes, right now, you have “changed.” Right now, you are in therapy. But don’t think for one second that I believe that you have told that therapist the truth. Don’t think for one second that you any longer have me fooled.

You WILL do it again. Just like you did with your first (oh sorry, I mean second) wife. Just like you did with me, time and time again. The difference is, the next time, it won’t be to me.

Don’t mistake me, this is not what I wanted. But I did not do this, you did.  You created an impossible situation for me. And in doing so, you forced me to become stronger. In that regard I thank you. But after a year (or 8 or 11) I finally see you for what you are, not what you could be.

So, dear ex husband, I think we should get divorced. I think that I need to stop letting you so close, because I know where this road leads, and I am not going there. Not now, not ever. I am better. I deserve better.

You wouldn’t tell our daughters (or at least I hope you wouldn’t) to stay with a man that repeatedly cheated and lied, would you? So why on earth would I give them that example?

No more.