Archive for the Depression Category

Discomfort – WARNING – TRIGGERING SUBJECT MATTER

Posted in amends, Body issues, Depression, letting go, people, relationships, truth on April 18, 2017 by La Femme

Sometimes I write about things that make people very uncomfortable. Recently I wrote a poem and I’m pretty sure it freaked some people out…. including the person that it was written about. I allow myself to retain toxic connections because I am afraid that if I don’t have those, I will not have any connections at all.

Is it better to have someone who loves you dangerously, or no one at all?

 

 

The Dream

 

I had that dream again last night,

the one that you really want to cast off as a nightmare.

But you can’t, because even waking you can remember that night.

Glaring detail make you have to remind yourself to breathe.

That night right before you left for college,

back in mid 2000.

You and your long time boyfriend headed back from the movies.

You stop at the lake to talk because summer is coming to an end.

He knows you’re leaving.

This time talking isn’t enough.

This time he’s going to get what he wants.

Closing in on two decades later and you can still feel the terror,

why?

People say you should let it go, forget it, bury it.

That moment has defined so much of me.

The truth is I laid down in the road after,

praying for a coal or log truck.

The truth is, I ended up comforting him.

The truth is, I have never been the same.

Take your finger off the Self Destruct Button!

Posted in Body issues, Dating, decisions, Depression, letting go, relationships, self discovery, self-esteem, truth on April 12, 2017 by La Femme

Ok. You’re marriage failed because your ex couldn’t keep it in his pants. You survived.

You now are a single mom to two beautiful insanity makers and work in a job that doesn’t cover your bills. You’re surviving.

DO NOT LET ONE UNINTERESTED DOUCHE BAG MAKE YOU REACH FOR THE SELF DESTRUCT.

Ok. Maybe “douche bag” is a little strong. He didn’t ask you to like him. That was all you. He was nice to you. He was there to talk to in some of your darkest moments. Yes, you’re the same age. Yes, you have a ton in common. But let’s be real. There was never really any interest.

And now you find out from a good friend, “girl don’t even worry about him, he’s always out with college girls.” So apparently I’m not even in his age range.

But just because you don’t think that you’re going to be loved, doesn’t mean you should sell yourself short. It doesn’t mean that you settle for unbridled lust. It doesn’t mean that you get to let yourself act like those 22-year-olds.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret the decisions that I’ve made, I am just worried about letting myself fall into a physically and emotionally destructive pattern of behavior. The problem being, there is no one there who really cares to catch me before I land in a broken pile at the bottom. So… this is my message to myself

Catch yourself.

Take your finger off of the self destruct button.

Let loving yourself be enough.

Remember that your worth is not based on whether anyone else loves you.

Remember that regardless of how you feel, you have two people that need you to be safe and in one piece.

 

The power of “God Loves You”

Posted in Depression, religion, truth on July 8, 2016 by La Femme

This should be extremely comforting, right? Hearing those words should instill a sense of peace and happiness? But to me, it only breaks my heart. It only makes me hurt so much more. It’s not that I don’t believe so much as I really really want to, and just find that, in faith, I am lacking. I know, personally, people who have been through so much worse in their lives than I have, but for a moment I’m going to talk about me and my experience.

I do not believe that there could be a “loving God” who would make a person such as myself. Who would make a person who loves to sing, and then break her voice. A person who wants to succeed, and then give her such indifference. To give her such wonderful children, and no patience. To give her love, and then make it be a lie.

While having this conversation with a friend who is well versed in church law I made the comment that I wasn’t sure I was meant for a relationship, and their response was, “I’m sorry to say but that could be true. God can be selfish. Some folks He wants all for Himself. You should think about that.”

My visceral response to that was more swearing that I would like to publicly post towards God, but it’s shortened version was “That is really fucked up.”

So maybe that is the root of my issue. Maybe when someone tells me “God loves you,” it breaks me because it implies that no one else can.

Walk with me

Posted in Depression, Family, friends, relationships, self-esteem on May 1, 2016 by La Femme

I have let one person in since the whole thing with my ex started… one male person, that is … one person close enough to spend time with.  He called an abrupt halt to it a few hours after he kissed me the first time… maybe I had bad breathe. I talk to other guy friends, but I haven’t let anyone else close enough to hurt me…I am not sure that I ever will.
The relationships I had directly before my marriage were toxic:
An ex from college who was a head case
An ex from college that only wanted to do it in the back of a Volkswagon
A guy who I caught cheating
A guy who was significantly older than I was, was married, and only wanted sex

I think that hits the high points…

Before that my relationship history is riddled with guys who where:
Abusive
Adicted
Ashamed of me
Only wanted me for my body
Mentally damaged  (from real or perceived emotional trauma)

I can’t imagine what a normal relationship is like.

These people that are still with their hogh school sweethearts, I just don’t get. My high school sweet heart was a scared ass, who when we were dating in college was too afraid to tell his mom we were together.
And the one from my Senior year in HS decided that what I had to give was his to take simply because we were dating.

People say, “there are people out there who love you.” No theres not, hell my own family barely tolerates me. The only reason I was so “well loved” as a child was because everyone thought I was going to die at any moment.

Hell my family loves to talk shot about me, and has since I was in high school… how do I know? Because my mom used to cry and some of the things they said to her about me… Because there are people in this family that love sharing “dirty little secrets” especially if they hurt.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and they all say “I told you so.”

Drowning

Posted in amends, decisions, Depression, Divorce, Reality, relationships, self-esteem on April 27, 2016 by La Femme

I am on edge. I feel it. The slightest push and I could plummet headlong into an abyss that I may not recover from. People don’t care though. They attack with a relentlessness that is daunting on even the good days. They shove, yell, and lay blame. They think I’m crazy, emotional, and unreasonable. Maybe I am. Maybe I just don’t care.

 

Very soon it will be 6 months since my divorce was finalized, and even now I can’t say that I’ve done much healing. I haven’t allowed it. I know this, I know it too well. I have allowed myself to lean on him like a crutch and, knowing that he will never change, I still hope for it anyway.

The truth is….I don’t believe that anyone else will ever love me. I don’t believe that anyone else will ever accept my crazy, and my girls, and my family, and still be the kind of person that I want to be with. I set crazy high expectations for the “next” person… I know that this is so there will never be a “next” person. Every time I think it would be easier just to reconcile I get vaguely nauseated… knowing that I didn’t even know that I was his THIRD wife until after we were divorced. He will never change. I know this, but still hope and pray for it and allow myself to forget that daily. He will never value me, not really. But even so, my mind says “at least he is a known variable…. at this point you know that he is going to cheat, that he is going to lie…maybe the best you can hope for is to be ok with it and fix your family.”

It is funny in NC I had several friends that I could talk to… Liz, Tristan, the crew at Alice’s, Richard, Lee, Kathy, Caleb, Ken……. now, where I moved so that I could have more… I have less. I have family that is always too busy, I have “friends” that never think of my name when it comes time to do things….. I have my underpaid work, and my girls who think there mommy is always grumpy.

There is not a day that I don’t wish for NC… but what would there be for me now…. I have been gone too long to still have friends there, and all I would be doing is ripping my girls away from there lives and for what? To run away? To go to a place where there are more creature comforts and memories?

All I can do now is hope for a flotation device strong enough to get me through this storm. To hope that I can hold on long enough to fake being ok.

Self-Worth… So Unsexy

Posted in Body issues, Depression, self-esteem on March 7, 2016 by La Femme

Why do we as humans, especially females, allow others judgement to determine our self-worth? Why is that if we deem someone worthy of our affection and get rejected we believe that that is a reflection of our desirability?

I allowed my husband’s infidelity with a 22-year-old to kill my confidence. Obviously I’m not attractive if he has to go and find someone half his age.

Then the very next person that I let myself feel anything for… rejected. But not just rejected, rejected for spending time with sweaty men… Yes, my friends had a field day with that one. Ok, it’s a consensus…. I get it… I no longer have ANY “groove”

So about a month ago I went and listened to a band some friends are in and then hung out afterwards… what the fuck was I thinking? Hanging out with a bunch of 20 somethings? Sure they’re going to notice your fat ass…. UGH. I love them, but I was largely invisible at the death trap of a bar we went to except for the few locals that looked old enough to be my father, and my one very drunk friend who kept giving me encouragement.

Why do I let all of these little rejections mean so much.

 

All I want to do is listen to Alanis

 

Alone

Posted in Depression, relationships on March 4, 2016 by La Femme

Maybe it’s better to be truly alone, than to be with a person/people that do not know or understand you. Or maybe it’s better to be with a person who understands you, but isn’t always the best.

I have had a shitty (pun INTENDED) week and it has made me look very hard at my world.

I lost a friend as an indirect result of a heated debate, and while I know that rationally he doesn’t blame me for the tragedy that struck while he and I were conversing, there is part of me that looks at the vehemence with which he struck out at me afterwards and thinks that he must believe that it is my fault.

I have very few friends, I really can’t afford to lose any, but it seems to be the one thing I am truly good at… screwing up.

I feel like I have not only screwed up my life, but the lives of my 2 little ones. I wanted to move back home so they could have a childhood like mine… surrounded by family. Instead I gave them the single mom part of it as well.