Archive for the Divorce Category

Marriage – A little humor, a little truth

Posted in Dating, Divorce, Love, relationships on September 19, 2017 by La Femme

So over the past few weekends several people I know have gotten married, and I am truly so happy for all of them and hope that they find bliss

BUT there is a part of me that is like “WTF?!” Some of these people have been divorced not much longer than I have… How have they already found someone that wants to spend their life with them?! I haven’t even found someone that wants to spend the night with me!

Then I look around and see some single moms that have never found anyone…. years and years after their divorces and I am starting to think that I am more likely to end up the crazy cat lady than the happily ever afters.

Some would say it’s because I want it too much, which I don’t think is true, but that’s because only I know how I feel on the inside.

Some would say that it is because I am hard to love. This is probably closer to the truth. I am dramatic, dynamic, loud, quiet, emotional, cold, active, a home body, a free spirit, very traditional….. and sometimes I am all of these (and so many more) all at once.

I feel things deeply. I fall without thinking of the consequences. I trust. There are times I cry and don’t know why. I want held. I want left alone. I want to play video games. I want to go on a 4 hour geocaching adventure, with the dogs, even though I know it’s a bad idea.

So to all my recently married/remarried friends I truly wish you the best… but what is your secret?

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34 is sneaking up, I’ve learned Love is a lie

Posted in Children, Dating, Divorce, infidelity, Lies, Love, Marriage, rationality, relationships, self-esteem, truth on June 16, 2017 by La Femme

NOTE: To all my still married friends, the is not an indictment of your relationship. It is simply saying that I don’t believe it is lasting because it was “pre-ordained,” but because you work you asses off for it

“Because all healing has to start with you.”

I am tired of buying the lie that Disney sold me as a child so that I would demand all the princess merchandise. There is no Prince Charming. There is no “One Person” that is meant for me.

There is no such thing as Happily Ever After

All you can do is love those you love with all of yourself, but don’t ever expect them to love you the same way, because that is not how it works

The older I get (sooner rather than later 😦 ) the more I realize that marriage isn’t about love. It’s not about romance. It’s about finding someone to navigate with and the propagate the species with. That’s why it was invented. That’s it.

My ex told me the other day that it’s my fault that we’re divorced. And while there were things that he did that I felt forced my hand, he is correct. I could have, maybe even should have, decided to stick it out. For the girls and for stability. Because the farther out from it I am, the more I realize that he was right… I will never find anyone else willing to put up with me that I’m willing to put up with.

No one is perfect.

There will always be flaws

There will always be fear.

They will:

  • not care
  • have anger issues
  • lie
  • cheat
  • be unhealthy for you

 

That’s life. That is reality.

Love is a chemical reaction in the brain, the most that we can hope for is that just like any drug, with time the effects will wear off.

When you realize…

Posted in Divorce, letting go, self-esteem on September 15, 2016 by La Femme

That no one in their right mind would choose you over someone else.

That you will never find what you are looking for.

That living in the past doesn’t help, because no one there loves you either.

That the spiral you swore you wouldn’t start on today, started 2 days ago.

That you need a drink…. and a donut.

That there may not be ANYONE who will understand your crazy

 

 

I am skipping Thursday

Posted in Divorce, letting go, truth on September 12, 2016 by La Femme

Just so you know.

I promise to try to be cheerful this week. I promise to try not to be short tempered or too emotional. But this week will be hard. I promise try, if you’ll promise to be a friend.

Thursday, would have been my 9th wedding anniversary.

I’m sure I will survive, but I’m also sure that I will not be as cheerful this week as I should be.

I am sorry in advance

To find peace in the Struggle

Posted in Dating, decisions, Divorce, letting go, rationality, Reality, relationships, self-esteem, Single Mom on July 7, 2016 by La Femme

I found today that I don’t believe in second chances at love.

I think for people with children, women especially, it is unlikely. No offense meant to the single dads out there, but more often the mother ends up with the majority of custody. I wouldn’t trade that for anything, but I also acknowledge that it takes my chances of finding a relationship down to approximately 0. Why? Because I am going to be so much more cautious about people who will have the power to influence my children.

If you lie….at all…. forget it

If you’re ashamed to admit you’re spending time with me…. nope

If you can’t even pay your own bills….. hell no

You’re close-mind and preach hatred…see ya

You often and repeatedly say you wouldn’t be a good parent…. sorry

You’re pushy, needy, demanding, or temperamental….. No

You want in my pants right away…. ain’t nobody got time for that

The truth is, I am picky. It isn’t me, it’s you. I will not be made to feel guilty because I have “unreasonably” high standards. Just because I’m single and talk about wishing there was a good guy out there doesn’t mean that that is you.

 

I have to find peace in the struggle of being me. To find peace in what happened.

To find peace in the loss of my marriage and all that that means

 

I used to push people away when things got too “real” because I was afraid of getting stuck here in this place. Now I’m stuck here, and a single mom to 2 miracles. Maybe we get what we deserve, in that case… my girls deserve the best possible situation that I can give them.

 

Now I just have to figure out what that means

 

I won’t fear Love

Dear Ex-Husband

Posted in decisions, Divorce, infidelity, letting go, Lies, Reality, relationships, self discovery, self-esteem, truth, Uncategorized on June 17, 2016 by La Femme

You mentioned the other day that I had seemed more hateful than usual. You’re right, I have been. It has been just over a year since I found out that what I though was a fling was a serious on going relationship. Just over a year since I found the pictures of her in our bed, and the pictures and emails that you had sent to the other women. All the hateful words you said about me. And it has taken me this long to realize that you are good.

You are good with people…. not good TO them, but you know how to read them and twist them.

I am an easy mark, because you know that I want to believe that you can change. Because you know me so well, you don’t even have to think to hit my soft targets are.

You are not physically abusive, despite all the emails about spanking your girlfriend, but you are manipulative. It has taken me a year to realize that you made me feel like this was my fault

You would never let me say a bad word about her, but guess what… until she shows remorse, she is just another slut in my book

You always deflected and said that it was because I made you feel unwanted, unimportant, like you weren’t my priority, etc. But guess what… WE HAVE TWO GIRLS UNDER THE AGE OF 8 WHO NEED PARENTS, I DID NOT NEED YOU TO ACT LIKE A CHILD THAT NEEDS CODDLED.

WANTING YOU TO NOT LET THE OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE LOOK LIKE A DUMP, IS NOT BEING DEMANDING, IT’S BEING FUCKING RESPONSIBLE.

WANTING THINGS DONE PROPERLY SO I DON’T HAVE TO GO BEHIND YOU AND DO IT AGAIN ISN’T BEING A BITCH, IT IS BEING EFFICIENT.

You say that all of my “issues” caused you to do this, but the first woman you started emailing was over a year before that, and what about the first time you cheated and lied?

What about when you met me?

The truth is, I didn’t “cause” this. Yes, I am imperfect. I am sometimes:

  • demanding
  • bossy
  • bitchy
  • emotional
  • tired
  • impatient
  • messy

But I am human. I am still deserving of love. And even when you were all of those things and more, I didn’t jump into bed with the guy at work you were always so jealous of. I didn’t lie and sneak off on overnight trips with some guy leaving you at home alone.

You don’t lie because of me. You lie because of you. You enjoy the thrill of making someone believe you. You are a sadist, but not in the sexual way… you enjoy the emotional pain. You enjoy twisting someone.

Yes, right now, you have “changed.” Right now, you are in therapy. But don’t think for one second that I believe that you have told that therapist the truth. Don’t think for one second that you any longer have me fooled.

You WILL do it again. Just like you did with your first (oh sorry, I mean second) wife. Just like you did with me, time and time again. The difference is, the next time, it won’t be to me.

Don’t mistake me, this is not what I wanted. But I did not do this, you did.  You created an impossible situation for me. And in doing so, you forced me to become stronger. In that regard I thank you. But after a year (or 8 or 11) I finally see you for what you are, not what you could be.

So, dear ex husband, I think we should get divorced. I think that I need to stop letting you so close, because I know where this road leads, and I am not going there. Not now, not ever. I am better. I deserve better.

You wouldn’t tell our daughters (or at least I hope you wouldn’t) to stay with a man that repeatedly cheated and lied, would you? So why on earth would I give them that example?

No more.

 

 

Drowning

Posted in amends, decisions, Depression, Divorce, Reality, relationships, self-esteem on April 27, 2016 by La Femme

I am on edge. I feel it. The slightest push and I could plummet headlong into an abyss that I may not recover from. People don’t care though. They attack with a relentlessness that is daunting on even the good days. They shove, yell, and lay blame. They think I’m crazy, emotional, and unreasonable. Maybe I am. Maybe I just don’t care.

 

Very soon it will be 6 months since my divorce was finalized, and even now I can’t say that I’ve done much healing. I haven’t allowed it. I know this, I know it too well. I have allowed myself to lean on him like a crutch and, knowing that he will never change, I still hope for it anyway.

The truth is….I don’t believe that anyone else will ever love me. I don’t believe that anyone else will ever accept my crazy, and my girls, and my family, and still be the kind of person that I want to be with. I set crazy high expectations for the “next” person… I know that this is so there will never be a “next” person. Every time I think it would be easier just to reconcile I get vaguely nauseated… knowing that I didn’t even know that I was his THIRD wife until after we were divorced. He will never change. I know this, but still hope and pray for it and allow myself to forget that daily. He will never value me, not really. But even so, my mind says “at least he is a known variable…. at this point you know that he is going to cheat, that he is going to lie…maybe the best you can hope for is to be ok with it and fix your family.”

It is funny in NC I had several friends that I could talk to… Liz, Tristan, the crew at Alice’s, Richard, Lee, Kathy, Caleb, Ken……. now, where I moved so that I could have more… I have less. I have family that is always too busy, I have “friends” that never think of my name when it comes time to do things….. I have my underpaid work, and my girls who think there mommy is always grumpy.

There is not a day that I don’t wish for NC… but what would there be for me now…. I have been gone too long to still have friends there, and all I would be doing is ripping my girls away from there lives and for what? To run away? To go to a place where there are more creature comforts and memories?

All I can do now is hope for a flotation device strong enough to get me through this storm. To hope that I can hold on long enough to fake being ok.