Archive for the self-esteem Category

This is me

Posted in Body issues, self discovery, self-esteem, truth on August 4, 2017 by La Femme

I :

  • am a hot mess
  • am over weight
  • am emotional
  • get moody
  • get suspicious when something good happens, but still I
  • am too trusting, and
  • tend to leap before I look
  • will give my life for the people I love
  • am sick of myself some days
  • am a gamer
  • love football
  • dance when the mood hits me where ever that may be
  • love to travel
  • talk to much
  • drool when I sleep
  • talk in my sleep
  • am whiny when I am sick, tired, or sad
  • am not a good housekeeper
  • do not always make good choices
  • if treated right,  will love you like no other
  • if hurt, will be a thing of nightmares
  • am a musician
  • an 80’s kid
  • a 90’s girl
  • do not laugh much
  • cry too much

I am a hot mess wrapped in an over weight wrapper that loves too deeply, feels too deeply and even though there are days when I am sick of myself, I am who I am.

 

 

Timid

Posted in self discovery, self-esteem on July 27, 2017 by La Femme

Sometimes I sit on the edge and watch the water when I want to dive in.

Sometimes I dive in without noticing there is no water.

Why am I so timid?

Why do I feel like the rabbit caught in the brambles, eyes darting, heart racing… unsure whether the hand is coming in to set me free or for the kill.

Why am I so willing to give and so afraid to take?

 

 

 

34 is sneaking up, I’ve learned Love is a lie

Posted in Children, Dating, Divorce, infidelity, Lies, Love, Marriage, rationality, relationships, self-esteem, truth on June 16, 2017 by La Femme

NOTE: To all my still married friends, the is not an indictment of your relationship. It is simply saying that I don’t believe it is lasting because it was “pre-ordained,” but because you work you asses off for it

“Because all healing has to start with you.”

I am tired of buying the lie that Disney sold me as a child so that I would demand all the princess merchandise. There is no Prince Charming. There is no “One Person” that is meant for me.

There is no such thing as Happily Ever After

All you can do is love those you love with all of yourself, but don’t ever expect them to love you the same way, because that is not how it works

The older I get (sooner rather than later 😦 ) the more I realize that marriage isn’t about love. It’s not about romance. It’s about finding someone to navigate with and the propagate the species with. That’s why it was invented. That’s it.

My ex told me the other day that it’s my fault that we’re divorced. And while there were things that he did that I felt forced my hand, he is correct. I could have, maybe even should have, decided to stick it out. For the girls and for stability. Because the farther out from it I am, the more I realize that he was right… I will never find anyone else willing to put up with me that I’m willing to put up with.

No one is perfect.

There will always be flaws

There will always be fear.

They will:

  • not care
  • have anger issues
  • lie
  • cheat
  • be unhealthy for you

 

That’s life. That is reality.

Love is a chemical reaction in the brain, the most that we can hope for is that just like any drug, with time the effects will wear off.

Want vs. Need

Posted in Dating, Reality, relationships, self discovery, self-esteem, truth on April 18, 2017 by La Femme

I want to be wanted. I want someone who wants to be with me, near me, know me, know my crazy, know my flaws, and want me anyway.

But I can’t abide need. I have to have someone who can allow me to be me, but can coexist with the massive amount of space I take up sometimes. I want someone who can stand completely on their own, but knows that life is better shared.

What does want and need mean to you?

Do you want to be wanted? Or are you a need based person?

Maybe this is just another reason I am still single….

We accept the love we think we deserve

Posted in decisions, letting go, people, relationships, self discovery, self-esteem, truth on April 13, 2017 by La Femme

I am starting to feel this truth in a very deep way. I feel like I let myself get hung up on unachievable because I felt like I didn’t deserve real. But when you close a door, sometimes you realize that the darkness was coming from the other side.

There are real people around you. People who genuinely like you, who care. But ypu have been blinded by your stubbornness.

I wish I could say that I would never again fall into the trap, but I  won’t say that.

I can say that for the first time in ages, I looked around and let myself truly see the people who are near me.

Some need to go. Some need to stay. And some I would like to know better.

For now, there is music

Take your finger off the Self Destruct Button!

Posted in Body issues, Dating, decisions, Depression, letting go, relationships, self discovery, self-esteem, truth on April 12, 2017 by La Femme

Ok. You’re marriage failed because your ex couldn’t keep it in his pants. You survived.

You now are a single mom to two beautiful insanity makers and work in a job that doesn’t cover your bills. You’re surviving.

DO NOT LET ONE UNINTERESTED DOUCHE BAG MAKE YOU REACH FOR THE SELF DESTRUCT.

Ok. Maybe “douche bag” is a little strong. He didn’t ask you to like him. That was all you. He was nice to you. He was there to talk to in some of your darkest moments. Yes, you’re the same age. Yes, you have a ton in common. But let’s be real. There was never really any interest.

And now you find out from a good friend, “girl don’t even worry about him, he’s always out with college girls.” So apparently I’m not even in his age range.

But just because you don’t think that you’re going to be loved, doesn’t mean you should sell yourself short. It doesn’t mean that you settle for unbridled lust. It doesn’t mean that you get to let yourself act like those 22-year-olds.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret the decisions that I’ve made, I am just worried about letting myself fall into a physically and emotionally destructive pattern of behavior. The problem being, there is no one there who really cares to catch me before I land in a broken pile at the bottom. So… this is my message to myself

Catch yourself.

Take your finger off of the self destruct button.

Let loving yourself be enough.

Remember that your worth is not based on whether anyone else loves you.

Remember that regardless of how you feel, you have two people that need you to be safe and in one piece.

 

Electro Shock Therapy

Posted in Dating, letting go, Reality, relationships, self discovery, self-esteem, truth on March 31, 2017 by La Femme

“The club isn’t the best to find a lover, so the bar is where I go.”

I have got to stop letting one oblivious person having so much influence on my happiness.

Don’t cry over spilled milk, you can’t put it back in the glass. And you can’t make someone have feelings for you that aren’t there.

So I think I’m going to enlist my own Big Bang squad to help me come up with a new invention.

I want to create a small electrode that sends a shock when you think about something specific. I think this would have a great many applications, but for me…..

I want one that every time I think about someone in a non-platonic way, it shocks me. I figure I’ll either end up in the hospital from being electrocuted every 30 seconds or I will eventually give up on the whole stupid idea.

There are nice guys out there. Guys who might actually be interested  (though let’s be honest, probably not), but me in my infinite wisdom won’t let go of the one person who is not interested in the least.

Either he doesn’t care or he literally is the most oblivious man I have ever met in my life.

He is a good friend.

Let it be.

Let it go.