Archive for the Marriage Category

34 is sneaking up, I’ve learned Love is a lie

Posted in Children, Dating, Divorce, infidelity, Lies, Love, Marriage, rationality, relationships, self-esteem, truth on June 16, 2017 by La Femme

NOTE: To all my still married friends, the is not an indictment of your relationship. It is simply saying that I don’t believe it is lasting because it was “pre-ordained,” but because you work you asses off for it

“Because all healing has to start with you.”

I am tired of buying the lie that Disney sold me as a child so that I would demand all the princess merchandise. There is no Prince Charming. There is no “One Person” that is meant for me.

There is no such thing as Happily Ever After

All you can do is love those you love with all of yourself, but don’t ever expect them to love you the same way, because that is not how it works

The older I get (sooner rather than later ūüė¶ ) the more I realize that marriage isn’t about love. It’s not about romance. It’s about finding someone to navigate with and the propagate the species with. That’s why it was invented. That’s it.

My ex told me the other day that it’s my fault that we’re divorced. And while there were things that he did that I felt forced my hand, he is correct. I could have, maybe even should have, decided to stick it out. For the girls and for stability. Because the farther out from it I am, the more I realize that he was right… I will never find anyone else willing to put up with me that I’m willing to put up with.

No one is perfect.

There will always be flaws

There will always be fear.

They will:

  • not care
  • have anger issues
  • lie
  • cheat
  • be unhealthy for you


That’s life. That is reality.

Love is a chemical reaction in the brain, the most that we can hope for is that just like any drug, with time the effects will wear off.


The Whole Sordid Tale… Part 2

Posted in Divorce, Marriage, relationships, truth with tags , , on August 25, 2015 by La Femme

The in between years.

I got a little lost.

My favorite story from that period is the night I almost set my apartment on fire… but another time, if I get enough comments for it.
I got involved with a trumpet player from high school, turned out he was dating someone else too. It’s ok, he wasn’t that good anyway.
That next spring my office closed. In less than a week I picked up my life and moved to NC. Started a new job, lived with family, knew no one. I eventually got my own place and it was great!

I was a little irresponsible, and I was definitely commitment shy but honestly, I wasn’t attracting the commitment type so…. yeah another story.

That’s when I felt the need to reach out to him. My grandmother was 100% for it. Said she had never seen me as happy as when I was with him. I emailed and waited. He responded. We talked back and forth and finally one day we agreed to meet up. I was a nervous wreck and it’s a long romantic story of that night but I knew as soon as I saw him that I still loved him.
That September, 2007, we were married. He moved to NC with me and had gotten the chain he worked for to transfer him…or at least that is what he said. Flash forward a few months…I find out we’re dying in debt because he hasn’t actually been working. I run and find solice with an old old old friend confess immediately upon coming home and we are wondering what our future would be.

… to be continued

Marriage, Kids, Divorce – Part 1

Posted in Body issues, Children, Divorce, Marriage, Reality with tags , , , , on August 19, 2015 by La Femme

Yesterday I was reading a very poignant article about C-Sections and the stigma that we assign to them.

The article is at the link below and is completely worth the read, but the part that stuck with me was a quote from a father at the end which reads,

“My wife had both our children via c section,” one father¬†wrote. “She tries to hide it and wishes it wasn’t there because it’s a scar but every time I see I think about how she’s the best mom I could’ve wanted for my children.”

That quote bounced around in my head all night, and finally the reality of my divorce sunk in… No one will ever look at my scar and say that, because the children that I bore are not theirs.

As women, alright… as humans, we have a lot of hang ups about our bodies. But no one more so than mothers. Up to very recently I had finally gotten comfortable with my mom body… I wore it like a badge of honor; “Hell YEAH I have a scar, and stretch marks, and other issues! I grew 2 humans, what the hell did you do?” But apparently a great deal¬†of that was due to the fact that the only person besides myself that ever saw me naked was the other person that helped me create those 2 humans. Now…

Now I’m getting divorced. Now my marriage of almost 8 years has do be broken down into meaningless numbers of who took care of what, who owns what, who pays what….

Now what?

Now I don’t want anyone to see me naked…. ever. No one else is going to see that scar and know that it gave life to 2 beautiful kids and feel the same way about that as their father would. I’m not saying that it’s impossible for step-parents to love step-kids, but they will never love them like their own. They will never have been there when your water broke and it was time to go, or when the Dr. kicked them out to prep you for surgery, or when they pulled the baby out and said “IT’S A GIRL!” First tears, first words, first smiles…. So how could they love the shattered remains of my¬†body?

I think if someone would do a study they would find that men in divorces involving kids are much more likely to end up remarried than the women. Part of that is due to the above and part of it I would say is due to the fact that the vast majority of these cases end up with the mother and the primary custody holder. Dating, I’m sure, is much easier as a part-time parent than as a full-time caregiver. That’s not fair, I realize. There are a great many dads I’m sure that are still very involved in their kids lives, but I would say that not many of them are the primary residence for those kids. If you only have the kids 2 nights a week that means you have 2.5 times more nights to have a social life than the other parent. For that other parent, their life is their kids. Those 2 nights “off” are spent cleaning the house, doing laundry, and getting everything ready for the coming week. There is no time to put back the pieces, you just glue it together as best you can and keep on moving.

Part 2 to come.