Archive for the decisions Category

The Unstoppable Force

Posted in Dating, decisions, Love, relationships, truth on May 23, 2017 by La Femme

are you the now or never kind”   – Eve 6 “Here’s to the Night” 

 

Earlier today I was thinking how it would be nice if I was a chemist so I could invent a pill to stop a chemical reaction… much like an epi pen. Except instead of stopping an allergic reaction, it would stop the chemical reaction that begins “love.” I mean think about all the human pain and suffering that that would prevent… If, at the point when you feel yourself starting to fall for someone who will never be able to love you, you could simply inject yourself and stop it.

 

Of course the other side of me steps in at this point and is like, “really?!”

 

And it occurred to me

I want someone that when they take my hand an tell me to jump, I don’t hesitate

I want someone that when they kiss me I hear all of the old 90’s songs

If it doesn’t exist, then it doesn’t. If it doesn’t exist for me, then so be it.

But if it does…. if I ever find it…. god help the world

If I ever find that person, my love will be the unstoppable force.

 

The Magic is Gone (Language warning)

Posted in Dating, decisions, letting go, Lies, people, relationships, self discovery, truth on May 1, 2017 by La Femme

WARNING – IF YOU RESPOND TO THIS WITH “LOVE YOURSELF” OR “FOCUS ON YOUR GIRLS” I WILL FUCKING THROAT PUNCH YOU…. BECAUSE THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT

One day, you will wake up and realize that there is no such thing. There is no magic. There is no “Love.” There is no forever. The best you can hope for is someone that you can cohabitate with without killing them. There is no person like that for me. Hell I can barely live with myself.

Over the past month I have spent too much time at the bar. And it’s great. And hooking up with that cute guy you’ve had your eye on for a few years is excellent… until you realize that it and you mean nothing. Not because of him, but because of you. Because what at first was a confidence boost you now realize that had nothing to due with you. But was a by product of entirely too much alcohol.

There are 2 groups of guys out there. The ones who have friend zoned you, and the ones that want to have sex with you. Out of the 2, keep the friends because you can always fuck yourself.

And I do. It is always 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. I don’t know why.

The sooner I wake up and realize that there is no one to love me. There is no magic. Stars are burning balls of gas that died long ago.  The heart is just a muscle.

Get hard. Get real. Wake up.

 

 

We accept the love we think we deserve

Posted in decisions, letting go, people, relationships, self discovery, self-esteem, truth on April 13, 2017 by La Femme

I am starting to feel this truth in a very deep way. I feel like I let myself get hung up on unachievable because I felt like I didn’t deserve real. But when you close a door, sometimes you realize that the darkness was coming from the other side.

There are real people around you. People who genuinely like you, who care. But ypu have been blinded by your stubbornness.

I wish I could say that I would never again fall into the trap, but I  won’t say that.

I can say that for the first time in ages, I looked around and let myself truly see the people who are near me.

Some need to go. Some need to stay. And some I would like to know better.

For now, there is music

Take your finger off the Self Destruct Button!

Posted in Body issues, Dating, decisions, Depression, letting go, relationships, self discovery, self-esteem, truth on April 12, 2017 by La Femme

Ok. You’re marriage failed because your ex couldn’t keep it in his pants. You survived.

You now are a single mom to two beautiful insanity makers and work in a job that doesn’t cover your bills. You’re surviving.

DO NOT LET ONE UNINTERESTED DOUCHE BAG MAKE YOU REACH FOR THE SELF DESTRUCT.

Ok. Maybe “douche bag” is a little strong. He didn’t ask you to like him. That was all you. He was nice to you. He was there to talk to in some of your darkest moments. Yes, you’re the same age. Yes, you have a ton in common. But let’s be real. There was never really any interest.

And now you find out from a good friend, “girl don’t even worry about him, he’s always out with college girls.” So apparently I’m not even in his age range.

But just because you don’t think that you’re going to be loved, doesn’t mean you should sell yourself short. It doesn’t mean that you settle for unbridled lust. It doesn’t mean that you get to let yourself act like those 22-year-olds.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret the decisions that I’ve made, I am just worried about letting myself fall into a physically and emotionally destructive pattern of behavior. The problem being, there is no one there who really cares to catch me before I land in a broken pile at the bottom. So… this is my message to myself

Catch yourself.

Take your finger off of the self destruct button.

Let loving yourself be enough.

Remember that your worth is not based on whether anyone else loves you.

Remember that regardless of how you feel, you have two people that need you to be safe and in one piece.

 

Just joshing

Posted in Dating, decisions, friends, rationality, Reality, relationships, resolutions, self discovery, self-esteem, Single Mom, truth on February 17, 2017 by La Femme

So last night I had a good conversation with an old friend and I finally was able to put into words a little of what I want…. and as I told my friend:

It took me a hell of long time to figure it out, I am unlikely to comprise now.

So basically what I said was:

Not perfect, because it doesn’t exist. But someone who gets me, who wants me to be me. Someone who will make me laugh til I cry and someone with whom I can cry until I laugh. Someone who thinks I am sexy even when I am a hot mess. Someone who can love my vanilla life, and still respect that there is part of me that wants more at times. Someone who doesn’t lie, doesn’t cheat, knows that gifts aren’t love but will still send me flowers on fucking valentine’s day.
But also I want someone that I am both friends with and that I am passionately attracted to.
I realized during this conversation that I have walked away from people that I love because I know that they do not want the same things.
I guess I have always wanted the devoted husband, the family, etc.  
What I have ended up with is a house that is falling apart but has great potential
A body that is not what it used to be but that is amazing to me because it created 2 stubborn, beautiful girls.
The sad truth is, I will probably never find what I’m looking for because now it’s not just me. It is me plus my 2 girls and that is a lot of burden to take on. But it’s ok. I have learned to be ok by myself.

It is Ok

Posted in amends, decisions, Humanity, letting go, people, relationships, Uncategorized on July 25, 2016 by La Femme

It is ok for you:

  • To be hurt
  • To cry
  • To be angry
  • To let go
  • To forgive
  • To be happy
  • To be alone
  • To try again
  • To fall for someone
  • To fall for no one
  • To do what is best for you
  • To use your brain
  • To use your heart
  • To listen to your quiet voice
  • To want someone
  • To want to be left alone
  • To reach out
  • To withdraw
  • To be yourself
  • To allow yourself happiness, whatever that means for you
  • To not be scared
  • To be scared shitless

 

I am not you, you are not me. You can not know what is in my heart, and I can not know the whole of yours. Be free. Allow yourself to heal.

Allow yourself to be happy.

To find peace in the Struggle

Posted in Dating, decisions, Divorce, letting go, rationality, Reality, relationships, self-esteem, Single Mom on July 7, 2016 by La Femme

I found today that I don’t believe in second chances at love.

I think for people with children, women especially, it is unlikely. No offense meant to the single dads out there, but more often the mother ends up with the majority of custody. I wouldn’t trade that for anything, but I also acknowledge that it takes my chances of finding a relationship down to approximately 0. Why? Because I am going to be so much more cautious about people who will have the power to influence my children.

If you lie….at all…. forget it

If you’re ashamed to admit you’re spending time with me…. nope

If you can’t even pay your own bills….. hell no

You’re close-mind and preach hatred…see ya

You often and repeatedly say you wouldn’t be a good parent…. sorry

You’re pushy, needy, demanding, or temperamental….. No

You want in my pants right away…. ain’t nobody got time for that

The truth is, I am picky. It isn’t me, it’s you. I will not be made to feel guilty because I have “unreasonably” high standards. Just because I’m single and talk about wishing there was a good guy out there doesn’t mean that that is you.

 

I have to find peace in the struggle of being me. To find peace in what happened.

To find peace in the loss of my marriage and all that that means

 

I used to push people away when things got too “real” because I was afraid of getting stuck here in this place. Now I’m stuck here, and a single mom to 2 miracles. Maybe we get what we deserve, in that case… my girls deserve the best possible situation that I can give them.

 

Now I just have to figure out what that means

 

I won’t fear Love