Archive for the Children Category

34 is sneaking up, I’ve learned Love is a lie

Posted in Children, Dating, Divorce, infidelity, Lies, Love, Marriage, rationality, relationships, self-esteem, truth on June 16, 2017 by La Femme

NOTE: To all my still married friends, the is not an indictment of your relationship. It is simply saying that I don’t believe it is lasting because it was “pre-ordained,” but because you work you asses off for it

“Because all healing has to start with you.”

I am tired of buying the lie that Disney sold me as a child so that I would demand all the princess merchandise. There is no Prince Charming. There is no “One Person” that is meant for me.

There is no such thing as Happily Ever After

All you can do is love those you love with all of yourself, but don’t ever expect them to love you the same way, because that is not how it works

The older I get (sooner rather than later ūüė¶ ) the more I realize that marriage isn’t about love. It’s not about romance. It’s about finding someone to navigate with and the propagate the species with. That’s why it was invented. That’s it.

My ex told me the other day that it’s my fault that we’re divorced. And while there were things that he did that I felt forced my hand, he is correct. I could have, maybe even should have, decided to stick it out. For the girls and for stability. Because the farther out from it I am, the more I realize that he was right… I will never find anyone else willing to put up with me that I’m willing to put up with.

No one is perfect.

There will always be flaws

There will always be fear.

They will:

  • not care
  • have anger issues
  • lie
  • cheat
  • be unhealthy for you

 

That’s life. That is reality.

Love is a chemical reaction in the brain, the most that we can hope for is that just like any drug, with time the effects will wear off.

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Learning to Hurt Correctly

Posted in amends, Children, Dating, letting go, relationships, Uncategorized on July 25, 2016 by La Femme

I think I (and some people that I know) have reached the point where we are too immobilized with fear to let anyone in ever again.

We have let the hurt of lies and broken promises consume us.

So what, then, happens when we inadvertently fall for someone (especially if they are in a similar place)? What happens if it sneaks up on us? But what if after this, we find out that they can’t or don’t feel the same way? Then we completely shut down

and all our friends tell us to make our lives about our children “only focus on your kids,” and that is great, but they are essentially telling us to commit metaphorical suicide. There are wanting us to kill of ever love, care, and interest that isn’t our children (and of course our immediate family). When I put it that way, does it seem fucked up to you?

Because however “well-intentioned” it is meant, it sounds awful. I know that I am a mother now, and I know that that changes everything about how my life works, but for the health of myself AND my children, there HAS TO BE MORE TO ME.

I have to learn how to lay the hurt down and let people in.

Men – Expectations VS Reality

Posted in Children, Dating, decisions, Depression, Divorce, Family, Humanity, letting go, Reality, relationships, Uncategorized on January 26, 2016 by La Femme

I think that my Dad (the man that in all ways save biology is my father, that was with me my whole childhood) ruined my expectations of men during snow storms, and make me wonder how I am from my mother. … When I was little we lived in the “holler” and you had to cross the very large hill, I think I called it a mountain then, to get down into where we were. He had a Camaro (I think. It had a T-Top. Mom hated it.) ANYWAY…. He could never make it over the hill when it was snowy, but I can remember that more often than not, he would come walking over the hill with a pizza he picked up in town and flowers for my mom. I always thought that was the most romantic thing ever… of course she always complained about the waste of money flowers are (hence why I wonder sometimes how I came from her).

The reality is, I’m not a damsel in distress. No one is coming to save me from this tower that I made for myself.

There have always been 2 sides of me going to war. The romantic who always wanted the home, and the family, and blah blah blah. The romantic that believes in flowers for no reason, notes left in lunchboxes, stolen kisses, holding hands, picnics and watching the clouds by the lake…. ¬† And then there is the other side, my mother, the one that whispers that I am wasting potential and intelligence. The one who thinks it’s my fault that cancer hasn’t been cured yet because the answer is probably in my brain but I was too lazy to become something that mattered.

Well it doesn’t matter any more. I made my choice. It got me a broken heart, but it was still the choice I made.

So if you are reading this, and I choose to offer my time to you in any form, know how fucking special that is. Because I am the primary caregiver for the only 2 chances I have left to get something right… I am maid, chef, butler, chauffeur, referee, peace keeper, enforcer, jailer, absolver, nurse, tutor, moral compass (god help them), fairy princess (yeah it’s a stretch), witch, wookie (not as much of a stretch), pillow, bed time story, sweet dream kisses, middle of the night checks, and so much more.

Marriage, Kids, Divorce – Part 1

Posted in Body issues, Children, Divorce, Marriage, Reality with tags , , , , on August 19, 2015 by La Femme

Yesterday I was reading a very poignant article about C-Sections and the stigma that we assign to them.

The article is at the link below and is completely worth the read, but the part that stuck with me was a quote from a father at the end which reads,

“My wife had both our children via c section,” one father¬†wrote. “She tries to hide it and wishes it wasn’t there because it’s a scar but every time I see I think about how she’s the best mom I could’ve wanted for my children.”

That quote bounced around in my head all night, and finally the reality of my divorce sunk in… No one will ever look at my scar and say that, because the children that I bore are not theirs.

As women, alright… as humans, we have a lot of hang ups about our bodies. But no one more so than mothers. Up to very recently I had finally gotten comfortable with my mom body… I wore it like a badge of honor; “Hell YEAH I have a scar, and stretch marks, and other issues! I grew 2 humans, what the hell did you do?” But apparently a great deal¬†of that was due to the fact that the only person besides myself that ever saw me naked was the other person that helped me create those 2 humans. Now…

Now I’m getting divorced. Now my marriage of almost 8 years has do be broken down into meaningless numbers of who took care of what, who owns what, who pays what….

Now what?

Now I don’t want anyone to see me naked…. ever. No one else is going to see that scar and know that it gave life to 2 beautiful kids and feel the same way about that as their father would. I’m not saying that it’s impossible for step-parents to love step-kids, but they will never love them like their own. They will never have been there when your water broke and it was time to go, or when the Dr. kicked them out to prep you for surgery, or when they pulled the baby out and said “IT’S A GIRL!” First tears, first words, first smiles…. So how could they love the shattered remains of my¬†body?

I think if someone would do a study they would find that men in divorces involving kids are much more likely to end up remarried than the women. Part of that is due to the above and part of it I would say is due to the fact that the vast majority of these cases end up with the mother and the primary custody holder. Dating, I’m sure, is much easier as a part-time parent than as a full-time caregiver. That’s not fair, I realize. There are a great many dads I’m sure that are still very involved in their kids lives, but I would say that not many of them are the primary residence for those kids. If you only have the kids 2 nights a week that means you have 2.5 times more nights to have a social life than the other parent. For that other parent, their life is their kids. Those 2 nights “off” are spent cleaning the house, doing laundry, and getting everything ready for the coming week. There is no time to put back the pieces, you just glue it together as best you can and keep on moving.

Part 2 to come.