Archive for the amends Category

“But I know that it’s my emotions going in for the kill.”

Posted in amends, Reality, relationships, Uncategorized on July 18, 2017 by La Femme

I have been a little gun-shy about writing here. The truth is… I hurt someone who I love dearly with this little, inconsequential blog. So now I’m scared. Scared to write. Scared to express all the stuff I keep stuffed inside. Because I don’t want to hurt people with my words.

Listening to Halsey’s Now or Never today I got to thinking of the one and only time I have made that statement (at least in the context in which she means).  It was in college, but not with someone from college. The answer, it turns out, was never. But that song got me thinking… is that really ever a question/statement that needs to be posed?




Posted in amends, Body issues, Depression, letting go, people, relationships, truth on April 18, 2017 by La Femme

Sometimes I write about things that make people very uncomfortable. Recently I wrote a poem and I’m pretty sure it freaked some people out…. including the person that it was written about. I allow myself to retain toxic connections because I am afraid that if I don’t have those, I will not have any connections at all.

Is it better to have someone who loves you dangerously, or no one at all?



The Dream


I had that dream again last night,

the one that you really want to cast off as a nightmare.

But you can’t, because even waking you can remember that night.

Glaring detail make you have to remind yourself to breathe.

That night right before you left for college,

back in mid 2000.

You and your long time boyfriend headed back from the movies.

You stop at the lake to talk because summer is coming to an end.

He knows you’re leaving.

This time talking isn’t enough.

This time he’s going to get what he wants.

Closing in on two decades later and you can still feel the terror,


People say you should let it go, forget it, bury it.

That moment has defined so much of me.

The truth is I laid down in the road after,

praying for a coal or log truck.

The truth is, I ended up comforting him.

The truth is, I have never been the same.

It is Ok

Posted in amends, decisions, Humanity, letting go, people, relationships, Uncategorized on July 25, 2016 by La Femme

It is ok for you:

  • To be hurt
  • To cry
  • To be angry
  • To let go
  • To forgive
  • To be happy
  • To be alone
  • To try again
  • To fall for someone
  • To fall for no one
  • To do what is best for you
  • To use your brain
  • To use your heart
  • To listen to your quiet voice
  • To want someone
  • To want to be left alone
  • To reach out
  • To withdraw
  • To be yourself
  • To allow yourself happiness, whatever that means for you
  • To not be scared
  • To be scared shitless


I am not you, you are not me. You can not know what is in my heart, and I can not know the whole of yours. Be free. Allow yourself to heal.

Allow yourself to be happy.

Learning to Hurt Correctly

Posted in amends, Children, Dating, letting go, relationships, Uncategorized on July 25, 2016 by La Femme

I think I (and some people that I know) have reached the point where we are too immobilized with fear to let anyone in ever again.

We have let the hurt of lies and broken promises consume us.

So what, then, happens when we inadvertently fall for someone (especially if they are in a similar place)? What happens if it sneaks up on us? But what if after this, we find out that they can’t or don’t feel the same way? Then we completely shut down

and all our friends tell us to make our lives about our children “only focus on your kids,” and that is great, but they are essentially telling us to commit metaphorical suicide. There are wanting us to kill of ever love, care, and interest that isn’t our children (and of course our immediate family). When I put it that way, does it seem fucked up to you?

Because however “well-intentioned” it is meant, it sounds awful. I know that I am a mother now, and I know that that changes everything about how my life works, but for the health of myself AND my children, there HAS TO BE MORE TO ME.

I have to learn how to lay the hurt down and let people in.

Dear Trump Supporters, I get it PART 2

Posted in amends, logic, politics, Uncategorized with tags on May 13, 2016 by La Femme

Again I will not call you any of the many names I know that have been hurled at you. In fact, I will protect you, even if I know that you may throw the first stone if I was on the stand. I will defend you because what we do now matters. The choices that we make now, as a people, MATTERS. I have decided that I will not stand for hate and intolerance, even of those who, in my high-horse state I might deem to be full of those traits. I WILL PROTECT YOU. Because what kind of person am I if I rail against hatred and then show you that same hatred. I will form a #WALLOFLOVE around you, because no one, not even you, deserves to be beat down upon.

What we do now matters. So I urge you to do some soul searching, to look upon the rhetoric that you are tying yourselves to and decide if that is where you want us to head. but be aware that the hatred you throw now, will come back upon you.

But me, a “Crazy Sanders Supporter,” I will protect you.






Posted in amends, decisions, Depression, Divorce, Reality, relationships, self-esteem on April 27, 2016 by La Femme

I am on edge. I feel it. The slightest push and I could plummet headlong into an abyss that I may not recover from. People don’t care though. They attack with a relentlessness that is daunting on even the good days. They shove, yell, and lay blame. They think I’m crazy, emotional, and unreasonable. Maybe I am. Maybe I just don’t care.


Very soon it will be 6 months since my divorce was finalized, and even now I can’t say that I’ve done much healing. I haven’t allowed it. I know this, I know it too well. I have allowed myself to lean on him like a crutch and, knowing that he will never change, I still hope for it anyway.

The truth is….I don’t believe that anyone else will ever love me. I don’t believe that anyone else will ever accept my crazy, and my girls, and my family, and still be the kind of person that I want to be with. I set crazy high expectations for the “next” person… I know that this is so there will never be a “next” person. Every time I think it would be easier just to reconcile I get vaguely nauseated… knowing that I didn’t even know that I was his THIRD wife until after we were divorced. He will never change. I know this, but still hope and pray for it and allow myself to forget that daily. He will never value me, not really. But even so, my mind says “at least he is a known variable…. at this point you know that he is going to cheat, that he is going to lie…maybe the best you can hope for is to be ok with it and fix your family.”

It is funny in NC I had several friends that I could talk to… Liz, Tristan, the crew at Alice’s, Richard, Lee, Kathy, Caleb, Ken……. now, where I moved so that I could have more… I have less. I have family that is always too busy, I have “friends” that never think of my name when it comes time to do things….. I have my underpaid work, and my girls who think there mommy is always grumpy.

There is not a day that I don’t wish for NC… but what would there be for me now…. I have been gone too long to still have friends there, and all I would be doing is ripping my girls away from there lives and for what? To run away? To go to a place where there are more creature comforts and memories?

All I can do now is hope for a flotation device strong enough to get me through this storm. To hope that I can hold on long enough to fake being ok.

Cost of Caring

Posted in amends, Dating, letting go, relationships, self discovery on February 5, 2016 by La Femme

The problem with being me is that, when I care about someone, I don’t hold back. Even after all the screwed up relationships and things that have happened to me, I can’t.
I always allow myself to care hard and fast and with my full being.
The problem with this is I always end up devastated when the inevitable happens. When they realize that I am flawed, that I am too intense, that I talk too much about myself, that I am not pretty enough, that I dance when I should sit still,  that I sing when I should be quiet, that I giggle when I am nervous,  I crinkle my nose when I smile …truly smile, that I am wide open because secrets and lies have hurt me before, that I like surprises, that sometimes all I need is for someone to show up at my door , that I would rather be alone than be someone’s dirty little secret, that I am hard on myself but I still think I am freaking awesome.

And that I think you (yes, you. I know you are reading this) are an idiot for not taking any chance on me. But I have known for a while that you weren’t ready to move on, and that’s ok, not everyone heals at the same rate. And you deserve someone who is funny and fierce and loyal and talented…someone like me, but more patient. And someday, when you’re ready, I hope you find her. And when you do, I hope you make her a priority, not the top one… you have one of those, I always understood that, but at least in the top 5.

I am not angry, anger only hurts the barer, but I won’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt either.