Sometimes I write about things that make people very uncomfortable. Recently I wrote a poem and I’m pretty sure it freaked some people out…. including the person that it was written about. I allow myself to retain toxic connections because I am afraid that if I don’t have those, I will not have any connections at all.

Is it better to have someone who loves you dangerously, or no one at all?



The Dream


I had that dream again last night,

the one that you really want to cast off as a nightmare.

But you can’t, because even waking you can remember that night.

Glaring detail make you have to remind yourself to breathe.

That night right before you left for college,

back in mid 2000.

You and your long time boyfriend headed back from the movies.

You stop at the lake to talk because summer is coming to an end.

He knows you’re leaving.

This time talking isn’t enough.

This time he’s going to get what he wants.

Closing in on two decades later and you can still feel the terror,


People say you should let it go, forget it, bury it.

That moment has defined so much of me.

The truth is I laid down in the road after,

praying for a coal or log truck.

The truth is, I ended up comforting him.

The truth is, I have never been the same.


One Response to “Discomfort – WARNING – TRIGGERING SUBJECT MATTER”

  1. In a similar dilemma. It seems to keep me in the middle. With no one judging me I’m happy to sink into the sweet bliss of comfort rather than fighting off the toxicity. In some way everyone is toxic… But then, I find myself hiding my choice from other people. Downplaying my decision. Because I SHOULD love myself enough to not stay. I SHOULD respect myself enough to walk away. I shouldnt waste time when times not really on my side…. I hate people telling me I stay because I’m scared of being alone, because I’m broken and don’t believe anyone else will ever love me, because I don’t believe I deserve better when I do…. That’s not why I stay. I stay because his embrace warms my heart, because meeting up with him still gets me giggly and excited and because he never judges me… Not when I eat more than i should or sleep more than i should or wake up grouchy and irritable. I stay because it feels like the only place I can be me. But is it toxic. Very. Does he emotionally hurt me. Deeply.

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