Warning… Emotional Purge

Warning, emotional purge ahead. Some may be offended. Thankfully very few really read this, so it should minimize the damage

 

So it is my belief that everyone has that one  break up in their life that has influenced all their subsequent relationships. The one that left the wound that never quite healed.

It is my hope to purge any poison that may remain so that maybe I can forgive myself. And no, don’t ask his name, because I don’t say it anymore. Names have power, and I will never give anyone that kind of power over me again.

Mine was 14 – 15 years ago. Yes, I know you are all shocked that it isn’t my divorce, and I’m not saying that it wasn’t painful, but it wasn’t the one.

My “one” came with the first person that I would have really committed to. That I would have married if they would have ever asked (they didn’t) and who I had always taken for granted. I had kind of just assumed that we would always be together, despite all the petty arguments and drama.

It was the years of drama that led to the problem, but the problem wasn’t really with us.

The Last Time

The last time that we dated, we were in college. I can’t say that “no one knew,” because all of our friends did, but the one person it really mattered to me knew, didn’t. He wouldn’t tell them because of all the aforementioned drama. It shouldn’t have mattered, but because of the fact that in that moment I was absolutely prepared to jump into forever with this person… it did. I gave the ultimatum, both knowing and fearing the probable outcome. To be honest, I don’t think he expected me to follow through with it, I ‘m not sure I thought I would. The time past. He still hadn’t budged, and I walked away. I cried for days. I hurt so badly that I wasn’t sure I would survive. It is one of the only times that I have ever ended a relationship without severe cause (abuse, infidelity, etc.) It’s the reason I knew I was strong enough to follow through with my divorce.

I know that I am stronger because of that, but sometimes I wonder if that isn’t at the root of all that is wrong with me relationship-wise. That I am too strong.

It  all ended the way it should I suppose, without that I would have never ended up with my girls and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. And he is happy in his life as far as I’ve heard.

But if I ever see him on the street, don’t expect me to greet him by name.

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