Walk with me

I have let one person in since the whole thing with my ex started… one male person, that is … one person close enough to spend time with.  He called an abrupt halt to it a few hours after he kissed me the first time… maybe I had bad breathe. I talk to other guy friends, but I haven’t let anyone else close enough to hurt me…I am not sure that I ever will.
The relationships I had directly before my marriage were toxic:
An ex from college who was a head case
An ex from college that only wanted to do it in the back of a Volkswagon
A guy who I caught cheating
A guy who was significantly older than I was, was married, and only wanted sex

I think that hits the high points…

Before that my relationship history is riddled with guys who where:
Ashamed of me
Only wanted me for my body
Mentally damaged  (from real or perceived emotional trauma)

I can’t imagine what a normal relationship is like.

These people that are still with their hogh school sweethearts, I just don’t get. My high school sweet heart was a scared ass, who when we were dating in college was too afraid to tell his mom we were together.
And the one from my Senior year in HS decided that what I had to give was his to take simply because we were dating.

People say, “there are people out there who love you.” No theres not, hell my own family barely tolerates me. The only reason I was so “well loved” as a child was because everyone thought I was going to die at any moment.

Hell my family loves to talk shot about me, and has since I was in high school… how do I know? Because my mom used to cry and some of the things they said to her about me… Because there are people in this family that love sharing “dirty little secrets” especially if they hurt.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and they all say “I told you so.”


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