Cost of Caring

The problem with being me is that, when I care about someone, I don’t hold back. Even after all the screwed up relationships and things that have happened to me, I can’t.
I always allow myself to care hard and fast and with my full being.
The problem with this is I always end up devastated when the inevitable happens. When they realize that I am flawed, that I am too intense, that I talk too much about myself, that I am not pretty enough, that I dance when I should sit still,  that I sing when I should be quiet, that I giggle when I am nervous,  I crinkle my nose when I smile …truly smile, that I am wide open because secrets and lies have hurt me before, that I like surprises, that sometimes all I need is for someone to show up at my door , that I would rather be alone than be someone’s dirty little secret, that I am hard on myself but I still think I am freaking awesome.

And that I think you (yes, you. I know you are reading this) are an idiot for not taking any chance on me. But I have known for a while that you weren’t ready to move on, and that’s ok, not everyone heals at the same rate. And you deserve someone who is funny and fierce and loyal and talented…someone like me, but more patient. And someday, when you’re ready, I hope you find her. And when you do, I hope you make her a priority, not the top one… you have one of those, I always understood that, but at least in the top 5.

I am not angry, anger only hurts the barer, but I won’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt either.


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