The girl I was

Recently I stumbled upon my old Live/Dead Journal accounts and while looking through them I found an old friends account. He had 15 total posts and out of those, my name appeared 13 times and I was referenced indirectly several other times. And all I can think is, “What kind of person was I?”

What kind of person treats another human being so poorly?
What kind of person doesn’t see the harm they are causing in another soul?

And then I thought…maybe I did see. Maybe in my youth, I saw the torture I was causing and didn’t care. Or worse, maybe I enjoyed it. Maybe I enjoyed having enough influence over someone to cause them emotional torment! And if that is the case, does it speak to my massively low self-esteem, or does it mean that I am a soul-less wench?

I realize that people that knew me then, if they read this, would laugh hysterically at the thought of me have low self-esteem, but the fact of the matter is, it’s true.

So what does it say that I let this poor boy dream on about a chance between us, when I knew (regardless of any mutual feelings) that we would NEVER work?

I swear I told him, I swear I let him know that I could not change who I was for him. I would never be the good, well-behaved, church-going wife that I knew that he would want one day.

I will always love him, just not like he wanted me to. But looking back I feel like Karma is definitely going to get me for this one. And if I was cruel to him… how many others?

 

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